Apologizing at Work: When and How to Do It

The two most difficult words in the English language to say are I'm sorry. Those two little words (okay three words depending upon whom you ask) can be even more difficult to say in a professional environment. When is apologizing at work appropriate, and how exactly do you do it? I'll begin with a personal story.

My Grocery Store Experience

Occasionally while shopping in the grocery store, a customer will accidentally bump into my cart with theirs. They might be exiting an aisle just as I am walking by. And boom...COLLISION!

Not a big deal, right? What I have noticed, though, is women will always apologize for bumping into my cart even though it was unintentional and no harm resulted. Men, on the other hand, will say, “Excuse me”, something similar, or sometimes nothing at all. This has been my experience. Of course, yours may be different.

However, these gender differences can also play out at work.

A study conducted at the University of Waterloo suggests that women may apologize more often than men because they have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.

Consider the following example. A male manager who starts his team meeting 15 minutes late may say, “Thanks for your patience.” By contrast, a female manager in that situation may say, “I’m sorry for being late.”

This contributes to a phenomenon of over-apologizing.

Over-Apologizing

Nupur Arya, a Senior Global Facilitator who delivers leadership programs for C-suite executives, explains there are several reasons people feel the need to apologize, even when it’s not necessary.

First, we want to be liked. Research indicates apologizing may increase our likeability. Second, we feel guilty when we don’t need to. Third, we apologize to express empathy. For example, if a colleague is under pressure, we might say, “I’m sorry you’ve had a tough week.”

Next, we may be fighting perfectionism. We apologize when we fail to meet our own unrealistic expectations, even when others are not impacted. For instance, even though it’s unrealistic to clean out your inbox before you log off, you feel the need to apologize to someone for not responding to their email more quickly.

Last, sometimes we apologize unconsciously. It becomes habitual and second-nature that we don’t realize how frequently we do it. Have you ever apologized to someone who emailed you the wrong attachment? Essentially apologizing for someone else’s mistake and assuming responsibility for their behavior.

Or, maybe you've included “sorry to have missed your message” in your Out of Office reply while you're on vacation or taking PTO. Are you really sorry you missed the person's message? As you relax on the beach sipping your Pina Colada with one of those fancy straws, I doubt it. I used to apologize in my OOO reply. Now, I use “Thank you for your message…”

Executive Coach Vanessa Hagerbaumer asserts there are five instances when we should not apologize.

When NOT to Apologize

• For being yourself and owning your space. This includes expressing your personality, preferences, opinions, or feelings. The qualifier here is that you are expressing yourself respectfully and not in a way that harms others.

• For someone else’s mistake. You don't need to apologize for someone's mistake where the issue isn’t primarily your fault. Certainly, it's a different story if something you did or failed to do directly contributed to the other person’s mistake.

• For something that is outside your control. Like the weather or someone else's poor behavior.

• For something within range of normal human error. Maybe you mispronounced a colleague's name or forgot to chime in on that happy birthday email chain for your teammate. Not every minor slip requires an apology.

• When you’ve done nothing wrong. If you genuinely believe your actions align with your values and intentions, there is no need to apologize.

Here are three additional common workplace scenarios when people apologize unnecessarily.

Situation	When you want to say this...	Say this instead...
When you’re seeking clarification	“I’m sorry if I’m asking too many questions but I just needed to clarify…”	“What I understand is that you’d like us to redesign the workshop with shorter breakout rooms. If that’s not correct, I’d appreciate if you could please clarify as I want to ensure I effectively address your concerns.”
When you want to follow up on a request	“Hey! I’m so sorry for hounding you, but I wanted to follow-up on that analysis.”	“Hi. When is a good time this week for us to connect on the analysis? I need to submit the final pitchbook by the end of this week.”
When you have a different perspective	“I’m really sorry, but I hope you don’t mind that I have a slightly different opinion…”	“Thanks for sharing that perspective. In my view, we should proceed with a Diwali launch despite it feeling a bit rushed for these reasons…"

Now that we understand when we shouldn't apologize, under which circumstances is an apology necessary?

When to Apologize

Executive Coach Vanessa Hagerbaumer explains an apology is necessary when:

• Your actions go against your personal values. When you act in ways contrary to your character and values, extending an apology to the other person is warranted.

• You’ve caused harm, even if you didn’t intend to do so. Here, the deciding factor is the objective impact, not your subjective intent. Whether you accidentally or intentionally broke your mother's favorite vase, the resulting harm is arguably the same. (Shout out to my Gen-Xers who remember that episode of The Brady Bunch.)

• You’ve made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Demonstrate accountability by apologizing and taking responsibility.

• You’ve failed to listen or communicate effectively. Apologize if that led to confusion or frustration.

• You forgot to complete a task. Apologizing to people impacted by your mistake can help to rebuild trust.

• You were inattentive. Apologize if your lack of attention to detail impacted the other person or compromised the work being done.

• You were rude. Apologize when you said something you shouldn’t have or lost your temper. This goes back to the first point around integrity.

Note: This is not necessarily an exhaustive list.

Now, on to what is often the toughest part...

How to Apologize

1. Start with a clear apology. It's important to say those magic words. Begin your conversation with “I’m sorry” or “I want to apologize for…”

2. Acknowledge your actions. Next, you should clearly state what you did wrong or describe the situation that caused the harm.

3. Recognize your impact. Show you understand how your actions (or inaction) affected the other person by connecting them to the harm suffered.

4. Express remorse. Exhibit genuine regret for the consequences of your actions.

5. Keep your explanation brief. Remember, this is an explanation, not an excuse. And it’s not about you. This is not the time to water down or rationalize your actions with a bunch of excuses relating to your astrological sign being in Mercury retrograde, not having your morning coffee, or someone else dropping the ball.

6. Whenever feasible, offer a solution. Be proactive in trying to resolve the issue and mitigate the harm caused. Above all, consider what you learned from the situation and commit to what you will do differently moving forward.

7. Respect their response. Respect the other person’s need for space and time to process your apology. This is particularly important if there was a breach of trust.

Well, there you have it. I hope this post was helpful.

If it wasn't, I'm sorr...check out some of my other posts.

Sources

• Arya, N. (2023, August 21). Stop Over-Apologizing at work. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2023/08/stop-over-apologizing-at-work

• TEDx Talks. (2019, February 13). How apologies Kill our confidence | Maja Jovanovic | TEDxTrinityBellwoodsWomen [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8sYv_6uyss

• Vanessa. (2024, July 27). Sorry, not sorry: The balancing Act of workplace Apologies — V & CO Coaching. V & CO Coaching. https://www.vandcocoaching.com/the-newsletter/sorry-not-sorry-the-balancing-act-of-workplace-apologies

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